Tridium

So since Sunday I decided that I was going to go to Church for the tridium. So far I've got 2/3 of the way through it (geeze,that's sounds like I don't care)....I have gone to Holy thursday and today...Good Friday. I feel good about. But really bad at the same time. I sit there in front of the Holy Sacrament and realize that I'm not giving enough to God. I actually cried...CRIED, because I feel horrible that he suffered just so a selfish, undeserving, human like me can be with him in heaven. I give myself the benefit of the doubt when it comes to most kids my age. I go to church every Sunday, every Holy Day of Obligation, and times in between to help w/ youth ministries and religious education classes. I feel very strongly about the eucharist and have a true devotion to it. It's not enough if I don't try hard everyday to remind myself of why I'm doing it. All my life I liked to think that I was the mature, down to earth girl, growing up fast because life's hard lessons made me. But it hasn't been until these last couple of years that I really discovered how much maturing I had to do. I mean, I haven't even stayed true to my lenten vow....how can I really commit to anything. Have I become the Jesus preaching hypocrite I've always frowned on? Yeah. In God's eyes I guess I could be. Somewhere inside me says that because I'm going to a truely Catholic university that I can do all the sinning I want know and then become closer to God when I get there. What's wrong w/me. On top of all things...I'm not ok leaving all my family friends anymore. I say that to myslef to stay strong...but that's just a lie. I keep saying, "high school just needs to end" but I don't want the relationships I've formed to fly away when I go to Ohio. I guess deep down I know I'll make friends...I just feel like they'll be so different because I'm a quirky, witty, sarcastic...VERY sarcastic, girl who loves to laugh...even when it comes to the bad things. I don't know. the worst part is that for the first time in my life, I'm developing feelings for someone that I shouldn't have as a girl going to Ohio for four years! If anyone knows me, I'm the girl that does not want to get involved until maybe college. But I like this person very much. It's almost like God is putting all these great things in front of me and making them unattainable, making me realize that true happiness starts w/ him. But my faith is TRUELY difficult to live by!Wow. I'M 17! Not even 18 till September! What am I doing with these problems in my head. I know the truth about my faith, and absolutely no one could ever take me away from it know. I learned it early on and leaving it because it's hard would be a bigger sin than anything I could ever do. Just ignoring it is horrible. I'm not contemplating leaving my faith but I feel like I drifted away from it since last August when senior year started. Perhaps it's because now,it's all on me to visit and have a relationship w/ the big guy. It's not mommy and pops problem anymore.whew
I'm gonna go pray for a long time.