This guy had it all right.
Although he was a morbidly obese hawiian...
He knew what life could really be.
I hope I have the same attitude when I go off to Steuby. Lord, I'm so scared now. Life has, at the moment, become perfect. But within a matter of a week or so, this life will cease.
I will go to do your work in Ohio. Your work is the same no matter where I'm at. But I want to stay here in my safe haven of family and friends.
So what if I did stay? My family would be there....well, my parents will be there. But my friends and people I really care about are all on the leave to a better life.
I must do the same.
Not because of them but for the lord.
I'm so excited to be finally studying something I've been interested in since I was a small child. I owe my faith to so many people.
My parents, especially my father,have created a life for me that I only pray I can create for my children. The religious people in my life have done so much to keep me active and I ask you to pray for them and theior families.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Monday, May 21, 2007
Thursday, May 17, 2007
This is Mitch Hedberg
1)Got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.
2)I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
3)Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
4)I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
5)I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
6)I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."
7)I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
8)I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
9)I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
10)The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.
11)I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up."
12)A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
13)An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
14)Because of Acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
15)So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.
16)You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
17)This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard.
18)You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
19)I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
20)I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shit, I had to be somewhere..."
21)I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.
22)I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...
23)I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".
24)A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, "Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"
25)It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
26)Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera.
27)Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.
28)I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
29)I like cinnimon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnimon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.
30)People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
31)My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."
32)I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.
33)I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.
34)I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
35)My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She made it half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
36)I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
37)If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
38)I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall.
39)Pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
40)I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As if there's any other way to take it in. I tried to taste it...didn't work.
41)2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
42)I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
43)This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.
At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."
44)My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! F***. Seven. I need more dice."
45)I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
2)I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
3)Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
4)I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
5)I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
6)I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."
7)I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
8)I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
9)I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
10)The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.
11)I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up."
12)A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
13)An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
14)Because of Acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
15)So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.
16)You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
17)This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard.
18)You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
19)I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
20)I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shit, I had to be somewhere..."
21)I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.
22)I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...
23)I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".
24)A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, "Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"
25)It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
26)Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera.
27)Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.
28)I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
29)I like cinnimon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnimon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.
30)People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
31)My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."
32)I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.
33)I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.
34)I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
35)My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She made it half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
36)I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
37)If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
38)I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall.
39)Pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
40)I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As if there's any other way to take it in. I tried to taste it...didn't work.
41)2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
42)I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
43)This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.
At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."
44)My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! F***. Seven. I need more dice."
45)I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Dora the Explorer: Illegal Immigrant
Ok, so here's the deal... If you need the explanations they're all around you...
1) She speaks spanish... she speaks spanish perfectly... what is she like...5? Her backpack even speaks spanish perfectly!
2) That backpack of hers has EVERYTHING in it! And we're talking everything! Life support, water/food, clothing for any weather, ropes, grappling hooks, shoes.... i mean c'mon!
3) She's carrying a freaking ZOO with her! I mean, she has a monkey, an band of insects, a bajillion other animals! Really! What kind of legal immigrant has that many pets!?
4) She's always on an "adventure" to transport a "package" to some destination and is always being stalked by a person trying to take that package... i mean... really, Swiper is obviously some sort of border patrol person trying to collect evidence of Dora's entire narcotics trafficking buisness
The evidence is so obvious and around you guys! And they're even poisoning our little children with them... Who wants our toddlers to grow up knowing spanish before english?! Even if it's the USA...
We must track down the one Dora and DESTROY HER...
and her little monkey too
1) She speaks spanish... she speaks spanish perfectly... what is she like...5? Her backpack even speaks spanish perfectly!
2) That backpack of hers has EVERYTHING in it! And we're talking everything! Life support, water/food, clothing for any weather, ropes, grappling hooks, shoes.... i mean c'mon!
3) She's carrying a freaking ZOO with her! I mean, she has a monkey, an band of insects, a bajillion other animals! Really! What kind of legal immigrant has that many pets!?
4) She's always on an "adventure" to transport a "package" to some destination and is always being stalked by a person trying to take that package... i mean... really, Swiper is obviously some sort of border patrol person trying to collect evidence of Dora's entire narcotics trafficking buisness
The evidence is so obvious and around you guys! And they're even poisoning our little children with them... Who wants our toddlers to grow up knowing spanish before english?! Even if it's the USA...
We must track down the one Dora and DESTROY HER...
and her little monkey too
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Pomp and Circumstance and Timmy
Note: Brace yourselves for a story of ridiculous content.
Today in band class I get ready to play and realize..."HEY...this is Pomp and circumstance! I don't have to play this. I'm a SENIOR!"
So I lay down...THE ONE of maybe FIVE times EVER I haven't played in class. (For the record I don't ever lay on the spitty band floor, because of just that...it's got human saliva EVERYWHERE! But for the extreme gratification I wanted, it was highly necessary)
I begin listening to the bright illustrious tune EERKING from every instrument. Despite poor tuning, bad intonation, and HORRIBLE articulation, the group of underclassmen were doing quite well... and by that I mean they were certainly playing something.
Nonetheless, it was our graduation song and it must be cherished; for two particular reasons: 1)it serves as the song of passage from innocence to the transition into adulthood, and 2) it serves at the song of passage from hell to freedom. Hell meaning AVHS.
Now it's beginning to hit me. I'm leaving. Going to new places across the country, no longer in my comfort zone. Realizing that the only people I might see past this point are family and JILL. It was a touching moment... I was almost saddened by it. I didn't hate this place...I didn't hate band! Or the kids in it.
Then suddenly the tuned stopped. Silence set in and I heard the sound of shifting bodies. You know...the sound one makes when looking behind one-self. Somehow I knew, I just knew they were all looking at me.
Then I hear that voice. The kind of voice that could make you want to punch a baby...
"Uh, Stephanie?"
...
"Yeah"
" Why aren't you playing?"
"Well...I'm a senior"
"So does that make you better than everyone else here? heh heh heh" (imagine in nasal clogged voice)
aside: "No jackass that makes me someone who doesn't play this song, come graduation."
Me:"Um....I don't have to play this"
Timmy: "I'm playing it and I'm a senior"-------I ignore him
Mr. P: "Yeah tim's playing it!"
aside: "like you...TIM'S a Jackass! Who plays this when you're a senior!!! The wee one's have to fend for themselves!"
Me:" No one played it last year. Come on... you don't want to hear this sound of a full band now and then deal with half a band at graduation because the seniors are you know, GRADUATING."
"oh...then just be quiet back there. Ok?"
"yeeeeah. O K!"
WHAT THE BILLY BOB THORTEN!! Who THE Shawshank Redemption does he think he is?!?!? First off I really shouldn't have to play this and secondly... I was NEVER talking!Not once! Son of a Bee
I swear it's because I'm a RANGEL!
And that idiot timmy! "I'm playing!" Yeah cuz you're socially retarded and have nothing better to do.
If you're reading this and you know tim like I know tim, you'll understand.
And in regards to the comments made by a one "Mr. P"...let's just say my comments pre- Stephanie Attack are all void! I hate this band...I hate this place... and timmy...I hate you.
Today in band class I get ready to play and realize..."HEY...this is Pomp and circumstance! I don't have to play this. I'm a SENIOR!"
So I lay down...THE ONE of maybe FIVE times EVER I haven't played in class. (For the record I don't ever lay on the spitty band floor, because of just that...it's got human saliva EVERYWHERE! But for the extreme gratification I wanted, it was highly necessary)
I begin listening to the bright illustrious tune EERKING from every instrument. Despite poor tuning, bad intonation, and HORRIBLE articulation, the group of underclassmen were doing quite well... and by that I mean they were certainly playing something.
Nonetheless, it was our graduation song and it must be cherished; for two particular reasons: 1)it serves as the song of passage from innocence to the transition into adulthood, and 2) it serves at the song of passage from hell to freedom. Hell meaning AVHS.
Now it's beginning to hit me. I'm leaving. Going to new places across the country, no longer in my comfort zone. Realizing that the only people I might see past this point are family and JILL. It was a touching moment... I was almost saddened by it. I didn't hate this place...I didn't hate band! Or the kids in it.
Then suddenly the tuned stopped. Silence set in and I heard the sound of shifting bodies. You know...the sound one makes when looking behind one-self. Somehow I knew, I just knew they were all looking at me.
Then I hear that voice. The kind of voice that could make you want to punch a baby...
"Uh, Stephanie?"
...
"Yeah"
" Why aren't you playing?"
"Well...I'm a senior"
"So does that make you better than everyone else here? heh heh heh" (imagine in nasal clogged voice)
aside: "No jackass that makes me someone who doesn't play this song, come graduation."
Me:"Um....I don't have to play this"
Timmy: "I'm playing it and I'm a senior"-------I ignore him
Mr. P: "Yeah tim's playing it!"
aside: "like you...TIM'S a Jackass! Who plays this when you're a senior!!! The wee one's have to fend for themselves!"
Me:" No one played it last year. Come on... you don't want to hear this sound of a full band now and then deal with half a band at graduation because the seniors are you know, GRADUATING."
"oh...then just be quiet back there. Ok?"
"yeeeeah. O K!"
WHAT THE BILLY BOB THORTEN!! Who THE Shawshank Redemption does he think he is?!?!? First off I really shouldn't have to play this and secondly... I was NEVER talking!Not once! Son of a Bee
I swear it's because I'm a RANGEL!
And that idiot timmy! "I'm playing!" Yeah cuz you're socially retarded and have nothing better to do.
If you're reading this and you know tim like I know tim, you'll understand.
And in regards to the comments made by a one "Mr. P"...let's just say my comments pre- Stephanie Attack are all void! I hate this band...I hate this place... and timmy...I hate you.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Rotary= Happy...GRRRREAT!
So today I got a $1000 scholarship from AV Rotary and I'm really excited. for my interview I spoke really honest and about God and my goals and I got it! So I'm pretty stoked. I really just want to lessen the burden for my dad. Two kids in college is enough to make someone commit financial suicide but I'm trying.
On another note...I'M SO SICK OF SCHOOL! Not just because the year is almost over but HIGH SCHOOL is almost over. Boy do I want something different. Steubenville is going to be amazing. I can't wait to go visit there with my aunt cookie.....heh...cookie. you know, come to think of it, I don't know her real name. I always just knew her by the delicious flour/sugary morsel we always called her by. but she be aight.
And I really can't deal w/ some of these people anymore. I've got people who, to my convenience, have really stabbed me right in the heart. I even went so far as to tell one of them off and would you believe it...SHE IS STILL LEECHING ON! AHHHHH! I'm really passed this whole thing. Not to say that I'm "more mature" because in a lot of ways I am certainly not, but to go out of my element and meet knew people would be a blessing.
Oh and let's not even mention the fact that I really want a guy to be w/. I've got plenty of best friends like C-ris and b-rad but I want a boyfriend. I can wait until college...but what if I'm not "holy" or "pure" enough for the guys there. I've met people here in CA that have my humor and similar goals and beliefs that really strike me as relationship material...but I'm leaving.
Like tony the tiger.....this is just GRRRRRRREAT!
On another note...I'M SO SICK OF SCHOOL! Not just because the year is almost over but HIGH SCHOOL is almost over. Boy do I want something different. Steubenville is going to be amazing. I can't wait to go visit there with my aunt cookie.....heh...cookie. you know, come to think of it, I don't know her real name. I always just knew her by the delicious flour/sugary morsel we always called her by. but she be aight.
And I really can't deal w/ some of these people anymore. I've got people who, to my convenience, have really stabbed me right in the heart. I even went so far as to tell one of them off and would you believe it...SHE IS STILL LEECHING ON! AHHHHH! I'm really passed this whole thing. Not to say that I'm "more mature" because in a lot of ways I am certainly not, but to go out of my element and meet knew people would be a blessing.
Oh and let's not even mention the fact that I really want a guy to be w/. I've got plenty of best friends like C-ris and b-rad but I want a boyfriend. I can wait until college...but what if I'm not "holy" or "pure" enough for the guys there. I've met people here in CA that have my humor and similar goals and beliefs that really strike me as relationship material...but I'm leaving.
Like tony the tiger.....this is just GRRRRRRREAT!
Saturday, April 21, 2007
For El Douchador
Alright BROTHA! You want something new?!?
I'll give you something new. These one of my favorite SNL skits of ALL time. Watch....enjoy.... lest you already be amazed. By tomorrow I should have an interesting story to tell you all...
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I'll give you something new. These one of my favorite SNL skits of ALL time. Watch....enjoy.... lest you already be amazed. By tomorrow I should have an interesting story to tell you all...
<
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